I won't go into details but I really really feel terrible.
And because of this, I've decided to stop posting every day until I feel better.
Monday, January 18, 2016
I went to the doctor today and she increased the dosage of my Baclofen. That's good.
She also put me on anti-depression/anxiety medication. That's good, too, I suppose. I mean, I'll sure be glad to be free of this feeling of overwhelming sadness. And yet, in a weird way, I feel terribly regretful and guilty by going on this type of medication because it's like I'm betraying Rob and my mom.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
I thought that my day off would make me feel better, but I'm feeling TERRIBLE!
No matter how many of my medications I take, I have intense feelings of anxiety; panic; depression - and terrible pain in my left shoulder blade!
If I'm still not feeling any better by tomorrow, maybe I'll go see my doctor ....
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Sometimes I look at my cats with great envy. They have little or troubles and only need food, love, play-time, and sleep.
Today I took a page from their book and focused upon what I really needed: a day off. Instead of going to the market this morning, I went back to bed and got some very well deserved sleep. When I got up, I had breakfast, petted my cats, and watched several episodes of How to Get Away With Murder. I had pizza for dinner and watched an episode of Reign. Now, I'm waiting for Motria to come so we can watch Law & Order and eat pizza.
I'm so glad I didn't go to the market today. I'd been in tons of pain last week, extremely stressed out and depressed, and feeling nauseous as well. I was probably over-tired too.
Next Saturday, I'll go back to the market all refreshed and sparkly!
Friday, January 15, 2016
Thursday, January 14, 2016
As I said yesterday, three things had upset me when I got home from counseling.
Let me tell you what they were:
- I had heard that Canadian rock star Kim Mitchell suffered a major heart attack. He appears to be able to survive, but in that single moment upon learning of this news I felt great sadness. Rob and I used to love to listen to the music of Kim Mitchell and groove out at his concerts.
- I received a letter that stated that the mother of a friend of mine had passed away. She was 91 when she died and had led a pretty good life. It was my friend I was/am more concerned about. Like me, he has Cerebral Palsy. In addition to this, he also has an intellectual disability and lives in a group home in Markham. Also like me, my friend was very close to his mother and relied upon the many types of support that she gave him.
- On Facebook I learned that another friend of mine was getting a divorce from her husband of only a year. I won't get into many details, but my friend has said that her husband became aggressive towards her. Because my friend has a disability (Muscular Dystrophy), she never told anybody about what was happening between them. She didn't want to be "any trouble" to anyone - meaning that she knew that if her husband left her it would follow that her family and friends would have to jump in and help her with her daily needs.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
I went to counselling today and unloaded some things. I felt better afterwards.
And then I got home ... and got three separate pieces of bad news.
I want to talk about it all ... or at least some of it. However, I'm both physically and emotionally exhausted now.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Friday, January 8, 2016
Thursday, January 7, 2016
This is the third year where I decided to paint a portrait of my sweet Rob on our anniversary. It somehow makes me feel close to him. It feels like I kind of bring part of Rob back to life through my art.
Last year, I painted this picture of Rob:
It's called Smokin' Rob, which is a play on words. Rob was smokin' hot, and he loved to smoke cigarettes.
The first portrait I did of Rob, after his death, is this one, called Love of My Life:
Hopefully, I'll be able to finish the newest portrait of Rob tomorrow. This particular painting means a lot to me. It's from a memory I have of Rob visiting me every weekend and taking me out on dates. On one of those days, he arrived wearing a cowboy hat and a silly grin on his face.
Oh, Rob, my love - how I do miss you!
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
My Dearest Rob -
Twenty-eight years ago today, I met you in person for the first time at Scarborough Town Centre. Mom and my friend Louise came along, too, and acted like chaperons. (For all they knew you could have been an axe murderer!) The four of us had ice cream at M'Goo's and chatted for awhile. When Mom and Louise went off afterwards, you and I kissed five times, sweetly and tentatively.
Twenty years ago today, we got married in my parents' party room. It was one of the most happy days of my life!
I keep saying how much I love and miss you, but these words seem weak compared to how I actually feel!
Happy Annie-versary, Sweety! I love and miss you so much! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Lots and lots of emails today. Important ones, very important ones, and ones that made me smile.
I paid bills online, and I updated my employees' s schedule offline.
I also posted desk and wall calendars on Etsy.
Tomorrow, I'll post more of my work on that site. Maybe on American Artist too, and on Cafe Press. I need to also work on my own website; it's badly need of updating.
In the back of my mind, I keep thinking that if there are many frigidly cold days - especially on Market Saturdays - I really should focus on my online presence.