Thursday, July 24, 2014

Feeling Raw Part II

So, I had dinner at Sambuca's on Church last night with Rob's cousin Dianne, Susan, and Brittainy.  We celebrated the sale of the condo, and I told Dianne how glad I was that she had re-introduced me to Susan a year ago!

Today, I made variety packs of note cards and had frappuccinos with Laura.  I thought that we both deserved a treat because I had to have an ultrasound, and Laura helped me to get on and off of the narrow table.  I was expected take a break in the middle of the procedure to go pee, and then come back and continue being scanned.

It's almost 10pm now.  I've taken one Lorazepam, two 2-22's, and Coke and Fireball whiskey.  I'm back watching The Killing again.

Finally, I feel more like myself again, my emotions aren't so raw, so near the surface. 

Yesterday was terrrible ... and yet, somehow cleansing.  Twice yesterday, I let my tears flow, my emotions flood forth.  I thought and felt so many different things, and yet, even in the differences they were all connected.

It's been a rough month for me.  A lot of my employees have gone away for awhile, either on vacation or for their other jobs.  And, yes, I've hired new people, and they're very nice, sure, but there wasn't enough time to fully train them to "perfection" (perhaps I'm exaggerating ... perhaps not), so I've had to do extra training.  This wouldn't have been much of a problem, except that I've had two time sensitive appointments that I was late for both times.  It's been so frustrating!

Because of this, I've been missing Rob so much!  He made training so easy because he was always there to help out.  Losing Rob was like losing a part of myself!

I'm not sure what it is, but I just haven't been feeling happy lately.  Maybe it's the thing with my employees, maybe there's been so much extra stress in my life lately ... or, maybe it's receiving the money from the sale of the condo.

I thought I'd be so happy about getting money from my inheritance.  All I can think of is I wish Rob was here to enjoy spending the money!  We were so poor when we were on ODSP, and I always thought that I'd become rich and famous through my art and that I'd share everything with him, gladly!

And, during my counselling session, two things came up repeatedly: my guilt complex and my need to be as close to being perfect as possible.  Like I just said, Rob and I were so poor for years and years, and a thought would come unheeded occasionally to my mind, that life might be easier if I had Mom's money one day.  I  hate myself for having this bad thought!  I'd never ever wish any ills upon my mother - I loved her so much! - and yet, coveting my mother's money always felt terribly wrong to me!

So, I'm not perfect.  I have occasional bad thoughts about people I love, and I have to get over feeling guilty about this fact.  I'm a human being, and this is what human beings sometimes do ....

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Feeling Raw Part I

Counselling was especially hard on me today.  I feel emotionally raw, as if I were a dishtowel and somebody has wrung everything out of me.

I came home at 3pm, intending to write right away, but I found myself reading the news; catching up on email; patting the cats ....

Now it's time for me to meet people for dinner.

Part II will come later...

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Back to Reality Part II

The laundry got done, my prescription was picked up, and I opened up two new accounts at CIBC.  I even had time to go with Brittainy and her boyfriend Billy to Starbucks and have my favourite frappe.

It all sounds so simple when I lay it out all like that.  Believe me, it was anything but simple ....

I hate banks - especially CIBC!!!   Rob used to call them Canadian Bank of Incompetent Commerce.  I mean, instead of blocking my debit card last night when I was trying to buy kitty litter at Loblaws (how embarrassing was that!) why couldn't they just call or email me in the daytime about their suspicions that my bank account had been hacked?  They have my email - I know they do because yesterday, during breakfast, they kept sending me validation codes to prove that I was who I was when I was sending money to my employees.

But I don't want to spend too much time on the aforementioned subject (I could spend hours and hours ranting and raving about it), I want to vent about their ableist attitudes. Honest to god I'm so fed up with people talking to my communication assistant and not to me!!! Two seperate employees of the bank kept looking at my communication assistant and talking to her even though I was looking right at them, trying to catch their eye, and telling them to talk directly to me and not my communication assistant. Sure, occassionally they would talk to me but 95% of the time they pretended I wasn't there or mentally competant.

There was also the matter of inaccessibility too. I mean there was one desk that I could get up to easily, but the phone wouldn't reach me  so I was moved to a desk where I had to sit sideways, which hurts my neck. And, there was a plaque on each desk that basically said if you weren't totally blown away by our fantastic service please tell us. I was in too much of a hurry to tell them about their fantastic service , so I'm writing this blog and an email to them in the morning.

To all the ableist bastards in the world, who have tons of bureauocratic power over people like me and who love to throw roadblocks in our way - I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!!

Back to Reality

Well, it's back to reality today. I have to do laundry, mail out my membership packages, order refills on prescriptions, and go to the bank.

For some reason they (CIBC) blocked me from using my debit card. If I could just call and straighten it all out I would, but because I'm a non-speaking person people doubt the validity of who I am.  However, face to face, I can usually prove I am who I say I am.  I might have to prove that I have all of my marbles,though.

I'll let you know how everything turns out.

Monday, July 21, 2014


My obsession with The Killing continues!    I watched seven more episodes right in a row, and I'm still glued to the screen ....

Who killed Rosie?!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

New Addiction

Nothing to say except I've got a new addiction: The Killing on Netflix.  I've watched ten episodes in a row today!

Saturday, July 19, 2014

I Hope My Tiger Doesn't Scare People Off!

I Hope My Tiger Doesn't Scare People Off!
Of course, no one was scared at all of the tiger on my t-shirt.  In fact, I got a lot of compliments on it!

On the way to my little lonely corner of the market, I passed by the empty spaces where my friends used to sell their wares, and not for the first time I thought of quitting myself. Perhaps not today, or this week, or even this year, but one day I might have to.

I had the same negative thoughts last week, too, and just like last week, very ironically, I had a positive (and lucrative!) market day.

First, I had a nice surprise when Sarah's parents and sister came to see me and chat with me for awhile.  Sarah's sister bought one of my canvas prints, so that was just icing on the cake!

As I predicted yesterday, my friend May came to the market today to pick up the painting of mine that she had seen on my Facebook wall.  May told me that she'd put it up with the other pieces of art she'd previously bought from me.  Smiling, May said that my art was becoming famous in the Middle East.


Two exceptionally good market days, right in a row - it feels like someone is trying to tell me something!  Someone is trying to tell me to stop worrying and stay put at the market for as long as possible.  I'll try my best to take that advice ....   And yet, at heart I'm a pragmatist.  I need to think of a back-up plan just in case one day the market is no longer an option for me.

Hmmm ....  Can you hear the wheels turning?

Friday, July 18, 2014

Fresh and Clean and Feeling Better

I'm fresh and clean and feeling better!

And, although I didn't have time to paint today, I think the next picture I do will be of Hershey because ... well ... he's so damned cute!

I'm especially looking forward to going to the market tomorrow.    One of my favourite and regular customers is coming all the way from Lebanon to buy Summer Flowers. 

It'll be good to see her again!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Catch-up Time

I won't say that I'm 100% better - but certainly damned  close!

I think my two hour afternoon nap I had with my cat Rascal pushed me over the line between illness and recovery.

These past few hours, I've been catching up on the work that I couldn't do when I was flat on my back, sick.  I paid bills; issued cheques to my employees; answered emails, texts; and, I updated my employees' schedule and my finances.

There's still more to do (isn't there always?), but I'm feeling weary and drrained of energy again.  So, I'm going to listen to my body and chill out.

Tomorrow I'll play catch-up again.

Maybe I'll even start working on a new painting ....

Wednesday, July 16, 2014



Coughing, sneezing, achiness, overwhelming exhaustion ....



Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Another Sick Day

Bleah! I think I'm getting a cold. My throat is scracthy, and I keep coughing and sneezing.

Bloody hell! I'm too busy to get sick! I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. Plus, I'm having dinner with Rob's cousin Dianne and our mutual friend Susan. As you may remember, dear readers, Susan was the real estate agent who was instrumental in selling my mom's condo. So dinner tomorrow will be a celebration for all three of us! Thank you, Dianne, for reintroducing me to Susan.

I'll do my best to go to bed early and get rested up. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

We'll see what happens tomorrow!

Monday, July 14, 2014

Annie Are You OK?

I recently added Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson to my playlist.  The song asks the musical question: Annie Are You OK?

Well, yes, yes, I am.  Despite having a piece of grilled chicken stuck in my esophagus for three hours yesterday and then green beans today, I'm doing OK. 

Brittainy has gone to get me a tuna sub, a peppermint mocha frappuccino, and a double chocolate brownie.  They're all safe and yummy foods for me to eat!

I'm bloody hungry ...!

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Sick Day

Today was rough.  I'm calling Sick Day!

I won't get into what happened today, but I will say this:  Never ever ever will I have grilled chicken again!  Grilled chicken is my KRYPTONITE!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Excellent Market Day

It was a fun, productive, and successful day at the market.

Perhaps it was my new summer dress that drew people to me.  It sure is bright and cheerful!  People (including me) seem to like that sort of thing.

Perhaps it was the set-up of my table; I tried to showcase all of my newest work.  Or, maybe it was the beautiful weather that contributed to people's general upbeat mood.  (One man, for no apparent reason, actually ran up to me just to give me a purple carnation!)

However, the thing that brightened up my day was meeting new fans from Indiana - and seeing some familar faces too!  (How could I ever forget you, Larry?  You've been my friend and unofficial promoter for over ten years!)

And, on that positive note, I'm going to head off to bed now because, although shmoozing maybe fun and productive, it  is also extremely tiring ...!

Friday, July 11, 2014

A Fun and Productive Day

The boys are guarding my new t-shirt and dress.
I had a very fun and productive day.  I love days like this when two opposites jibe together, making my creative and organizational juices flow.

The productivity stuff I did included:  updating my finances; designing and ordering cards from my new artwork; paying bills; buying plastic, protective sleeves for my prints; and, catching up on email.

The fun stuff was mainly shopping with Lucy at Winners.  We both looked at shoes and clothes.  In the end, Lucy bought a pair of running shoes with gold trim, and I bought a cute sundress and a black t-shirt with the beautiful face of a tiger.

I hope that tomorrow at the market will be as fun and productive as today was!